Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers...

After I spent some time in the boonies, I was reassigned to Nha Trang. Most of the guys under my command were city boys, or at least they thought they were. However, there were a couple of "country" boys. For the most part, I tried to look out for them, thinking they needed extra help to get along in the Army. Then one day one of them asked me to help make sure his spelling was o.k. in a letter he was sending home to his family. After I read that letter, I realized they could fend for themselves better than the city boys could...  in fact, maybe even better than I could. This is what I read:

Dear Ma & Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. 

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., I kept wakin' up at 4 like we do on the farm, but am getting so I like to sleep late. 

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc... but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. Tell Walt & Elmer that ain't no problem cause you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

When we first started out we used to go on "route' marches, which our Lieutenant says are nothin' more than long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. These days though, we don't hardly march at all.

The Platoon Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Lieutenant is like the school board. 

Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing: I keep getting medals for shooting. 

I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you gotta do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Magin' that?

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your lovin' son, Arlan

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.